it’s literally food porn: a breadman competition, a bedroom scene and a fiery breadperson sacrifice

you know you’ve just spent one of the most bizarrely amusing and creatively satisfying evenings of your life when the following quotes come out of the kitchen:

1. ‘that looks like f*cking George Washington.”

2. “you better be scared, b*tch!”

3. “there’s a fine line between pleasure, pain, and fiery human sacrifice.”

yes, it’s been quite an entertaining evening. one of my bestest friends kellin is visiting from florence, which means nonstop entertainment of all kinds. however, i think we may have topped our own personal most-ridiculous-night-ever by entering ourselves in the breadman competition. assuming you’ve never heard of the breadman competition, i will explain it to you.

breadman holding breadman

traipsing around soho today post-dumpling fest, we stopped by a bread and pastry cart to drool over the chocolate bears and the tomato focaccia and ended up trading italian slang with the funny british guy running the stall. upon further discussion, he invited us to compete in the breadman competition. regard live breadman holding not-live breadman to the right.

the breadman competition involves: 1) getting a breadman (not the live one). 2) taking a picture of said breadman. 3) posting the photo on the facebook page. for this, you get cake! which would really be enough reason for us, but the whole idea  just fired up our creative juices and stoked our competitive fires. you ain’t NEVER gonna see a breadman photo  like our breadman photo.

to explain ourselves just a bit, i’m pretty sure that kell and i were visually influenced by the predominant type of store in the soho neighborhood. in case you’ve never been there, one particularly representative establishment is the aptly titled, no-imagination-necessary ‘trashy lingerie.’ with that information in mind, you may not be surprised that we decided to do a ‘bedroom scene.’ yes, it’s quite literally food porn.

don’t worry, it’s not graphic (all naughty bits have been covered up), but it may not be suitable for those underage. so if you’re not yet legal in the state of alabama, or if you’re my mother or any other family member of an older generation, or if  you don’t approve of consensual bedroom activities as practiced by two willing and eager bread products, you probably shouldn’t click below. on the other hand, if you’re interested in breadperson bondage….

welcome to kell and mei’s photo submission to the breadman competition. breadman bondage scene 1

i fully realize this may be one of the weirdest things you’ve ever seen, and now i may be one of the weirdest people you’ve ever (virtually) met. all i can say is, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it (and i mean creating breadman scenes, not reenacting the scene depicted above). kell and i had a RIDICULOUS amount of fun making banana peel bikinis, ciabatta and cucumber beds, rosemary and kiwi houseplants, carrot lamps, spaghetti and scallion whips, and tomato underwear. note also the look of shock expressed by the breadman’s open carrot mouth and arched tomato eyebrows. maybe the spring onion restraints were a bit too tight?  oh and  in case you’re wondering, the george washington reference was a failed attempt at creating hair from a puffy white piece of dried apple. it was ultimately determined that the founding father wig look is not an attractive style for a breadman.

chris, observing the creative process and most likely regretting his decision to live and work with someone who may arguably be certifiably insane, noted that our scene looked less like one involving pleasure and more like one involving human sacrifice (he also played court reporter and tweeted the above quotes to the masses). kell and i agreed that our dominatrix breadwoman better resembled an amazonian jungle princess with her flowing scallion locks with kiwi headband and dried spaghetti staff,  so we went with it. regard the breadman sacrifice bubbling away with rosemary, bay leaves, scallions, and carrot in an apple pot.

breadman human sacrifice scene 1

that actually could be pretty delicious. too bad you can’t actually light spaghetti on fire to make a tasty breadman soup.

at this point, you might be thinking, whoa. kell and mei are two sick and twisted people. you might also be thinking that we are CREATIVE KITCHEN GENIUSES. can’t really argue with either of those.  however, we are also all about female empowerment, whether in the bedroom or around the sacrificial flames. don’t worry, no breadmen were actually harmed during the making of these photos. in fact, the breadman told us he actually enjoyed it. and anyway, we’re all one happy breadperson family:

kell and mei and the breadpeople

but as much as we love our breadpeople, we love cake more. so vote for us! go here (i think), and tell everyone how our breadpeople scenes are the best.  but whether or not we win cake, the true joy of the breadman competition is in the creation of the bedroom scene. just go try it for yourself…yeah, you know what i mean.

UPDATE: JULY 10th: we won!!!!! woohoooo!!!!!!  megacake in our face…thanks everyone who voted!!

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5 thoughts on “it’s literally food porn: a breadman competition, a bedroom scene and a fiery breadperson sacrifice

  1. olivia says:

    i am so very jealous of mei/kell vegetable bondage fun times.

  2. foodrambler says:

    Ha!!! Please can you bondage some trout on Sunday!?

  3. That is freaking hilarious. Something about the guy’s little nipples and huge tomato underwear is seriously cracking me up.

  4. mei says:

    linzi – no YOU are.

    olivia – come visit and we will tie up some more naughty breadmen!

    foodrambler – i definitely DOMINATED the trout with a forkful of fennel, rocket and rosti. fabulous dish!

    logan – i’ll get you your very own pair of huge tomato underwear. i bet rachel would love em…

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